


Dear Kevin,

by prioriteas



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Book: It Devours!, Gen, Letters, Post-Episode: e070A Taking Off, Post-Episode: e070B Review, carlos vents about his life after the otherworld: the fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25038481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prioriteas/pseuds/prioriteas
Summary: PLEASE know that this fic contains massive, massive spoilers for the bookIt Devours.Read at your own discretion!One night, Carlos picks up a pen and writes a lengthy, rambly letter to the only person he believes can truly understand how he's feeling.It becomes a habit.
Relationships: Carlos & Cecil Palmer, Carlos & Kevin (Welcome to Night Vale), Carlos/Cecil Palmer
Kudos: 16





	1. The First and Final Letter

_Dear Kevin,_

_I think I forgot how to sleep. The process of sleeping is simple, and I know this, so I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble with it. I slept for two days_ straight _when I first got back. I could barely stand up, and I think I fell down a couple of times on the way home. I'm still not sure whether this was because of how physically taxing the walk between here and there is, or because I technically haven't actually slept in about ten years. I don't think I really want to know. Is that bad? Shouldn't I want to know, considering I am a scientist and it is literally my job to find things like this out?_

_That's irrelevant, I guess. It doesn't actually matter too much, in the grand scheme of things. Back on track: today's my third night or so that I've spent not sleeping. I always just lie there for a couple of hours, and then I get up really quietly so I don't wake up Cecil, and then I go and sit in the living room to watch TV static until the sun comes up. I'm always tired, like right now, but I'm never sleepy. I don't know if that makes any sense, especially to you. You've never really gotten sleeping, right? I know you were pretty damn pleased to find out you didn't have to, in that place. I think, if you ever decided to leave, you'd go as long as you could without sleeping. That's sort of like what I'm doing now, but it's not intentional, I promise. I'd_ like _to get some sleep, but I'm just having too much trouble figuring it out again._

_I know that Cecil is worried about me. It's really, really obvious, even though he hasn't said anything about it yet. He keeps sort of, glancing at me when we're spending time together with this sweet, nervous look on his face. It's like he wants to say something but doesn't know how, you know? I don't think I want him to say anything. When he does, it's going to be a really, really rough conversation, and I know that he's still a little bit torn up about this whole thing, and I don't want to bring up those bad feelings again. I think that this might be why_ he _hasn't said anything. I don't think he wants to break our streak of good days. I don't blame him for not talking about it, even though I know you'd tell me that I_ should _blame him. You'd probably be really mean towards him about it, but just in a really passive aggressive way. Maybe it's good that you're not here for me to talk to about this to. I don't know how I'd feel about some of the things you'd say._

 _On that note, I feel pretty terrible about... all_ that. _Sorry. I know I should've talked to you in person, told you that I was considering leaving and that I_ had been _for a really, really long time, but I didn't know how to say any of it out loud. By the time I knew that I absolutely had to leave, I already had it all written down in that letter I gave you, and I really just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to get out of that_ place _as fast as I could. I hope you get it. You've had a lot more time to think about it than I have, anyway. I don't know if that means you're over it or not, but I hope it does. You deserve to be happy, Kevin, and not that stupid, terrible,_ fake _happy that you are all of the time. You deserve real, actual happiness. I can't really believe I just wrote that, but I do mean it._

 _Anyway, back on track. Cecil. He's acting differently, which I totally, one-hundred-percent understand. This was really sudden for him, and that's completely my bad. All of this is my bad. The constant phone calls from my end probably haven't helped that very much. I've been trying to give him space, but it is just_ really hard _to do that. It's hard because we live together, and I've offered to go stay at the lab for a while, but every time I bring it up he immediately shuts it down, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to open up a conversation about how he's feeling, because I don't want to just uproot whatever stability we've got left. Like I said, we_ do _have a streak of good days going, even if everything has been a little awkward. Things are just awkward and stuffy, and I sort of want all of it to go away. I want all of it to have been a nightmare, and I want to just move on with my life. I wish I could forget all of it._

_I think that this is the most selfish thought I've ever had in my life._

_You are the person I was around the most out there, and so I think you might be the only person who will ever come close to understanding how I'm feeling right now. As much as I wish that wasn't true, it_ is. _I can't stand it. I want to be able to talk to Cecil about all of this, but how can I? How can I even begin to express any of this to him?_

_Hopefully, this is the only letter I'll ever write to you. Hopefully I have the common sense to burn it just as soon as I'm done writing it, which will absolutely aggravate whatever Secret Police agent is hiding in the apartment. Whatever, you know? It is what it is, as they say in the lab._

_('They' usually say that about broken beakers, spilled chemicals with noxious fumes, and birthdays, so it feels sort of irrelevant in this context, but still!)_

_According to my calculations, the sun should be up any second now, but when have my calculations ever been correct? The sun actually came up about ten minutes ago, give or take, which means it's time to get up and do something useful. I'm going to try again, as far as sleeping is concerned, another time._

_I won't be writing again._  
_Goodbye forever,_

Carlos the Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea has been eating up my brain for weeks now, so I wrote it. I hope you enjoy!


	2. I (Don't) Miss The Mountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos is feeling nostalgic, which he feels like is as good a reason as any to say hi to Kevin again. It _is_ a good reason, isn't it?

_Dear Kevin,_

_So, let me get one thing straight: I do not want to go back to the otherworld. I never, ever want to go back to that place for as long as I live, for very obvious reasons. I think I would rather throw myself into Radon Canyon then ever go back. There is nothing there that makes going back even remotely tempting. Nothing at all!_

_Got it? Got it. Cool._

_Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I feel like it's safe for me to admit that I really have been missing the mountain lately._

_I don't think I actually realized how much time I spent up there, on and around that mountain, until I didn't have it anymore. I'm pretty sure I've stood up to go outside and take a walk to the mountain just to remember that it doesn't actually exist. Or, it doesn't exist_ here, _anyway. We've got mountains here, obviously, that I could go and climb any time I wanted, but they're different._ These _mountains don't actually exist, as you know. Not legally, anyway, and I think I would get some pretty strange looks if I tried to climb one of them. Or, they'd arrest me, or something like that. I'm not actually sure how all of that works. Like, it's frowned upon to acknowledge one's belief in them, but if someone actually went up there? I couldn't tell you what would happen._

_(Note to self: figure that out.)_

_Anyway, stepping away from_ that _tangent:_

_I think that the top of the mountain was the most natural place in the Otherworld. I think that's probably because of its ultimate proximity to this dimension. Or, that's the theory, anyway; it's a lot more complicated than that, but that's the long and short of it! The mountain was where I felt the most like a human being, I think. There was actual, real wind up there, did you know that? I can't remember if you actually ever went up there. It wasn't a too-warm breeze or a grating, terrible blast of hot air. It was nice, and it felt normal. It was, I think, what grounded me more than anything. Even then, it's weird that I miss it, right? Even the best parts of that place weren't good by any means, it's not like the top of the mountain is anything special._

_All the thinking and theorizing about the mountain got me thinking about some of my more personal memories related to it. Do you remember that picnic we had? I know we had a ton of them, and that they can't technically be called 'picnics', because it's not like we had any food. Is that what constitutes a picnic: food? Anyway, there's one_ outing _of ours in particular that's been sticking out to me lately. We set up right at the base of the mountain, (which isn't exactly ideal compared to the top of it, but it was still nice) and we sat around and we talked for a really long time. I can't really even remember what it is we talked about, now that I'm trying to. None of it must've been all that important, if I can't remember the specifics, but I'm not going to be too hard on myself for it either way. It was a long time ago; it's only natural that my memory fails me sometimes. I think the reason that I remember this particular outing is because of the way I felt. I remember that I started out the afternoon feeling really good, which was_ not _a common occurrence back then, and then by the time we both left, I was feeling really terrible. Angry-terrible. I think that's when our big fight started._

 _Gosh, the fight. I really can't even remember how it started, Kevin. I think I'm going to go crazy over this. It was such a massive part of_ us, _so it's so strange that I hardly remember any of it. It was what led to me getting my research almost-done as fast as I did. It was what led to the whole eye thing. Oh, man, that's a whole_ different _story to remember, though. It sounds awful, but I really don't think that I ever would've noticed that it was hurting you if we hadn't spent something like four months not speaking to each other. Have you been looking after it properly like I showed you? Are the stitches still intact? I wish I could check up on you. It. I wish I could check up on it._

_I shouldn't be writing this._

_~~Bye,~~ _

~~Carlos the Scientist~~

_Okay, it's just that, I'm sort of in this massive funk right now. My brain's been all over the place, and I haven't been able to get anything done, and the only thing I've been able to think about is that place, and the mountain. I thought that, maybe, writing you would let me get those thoughts out of my system. That makes sense, right? I mean, I know for a fact that Cecil doesn't want to hear me ramble on and on about that place. He already had to put up with enough of that when I was there. So, this makes sense. This is_ okay.

_It's okay that I wrote this letter. I wrote it to help myself work. So, it's fine. Right?_

_I need to go to sleep; it's getting late. Goodnight, Kevin,_

Carlos the Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Sorry this chapter took so long. The wait between the next couple of chapters won't be _nearly_ as long, promise!


	3. Eyes On the Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It Devours spoilers start to actually get real from this point onwards! Read with caution._
> 
> Carlos decides that the best way to get down his frantic feelings about his newest idea is to write Kevin another letter.

_Dear Kevin,_

_Hey! How's it going? Good? Good! Great, glad to hear it! Moving on._

_I don't have a lot of time, so this one's going to be short. I think writing that last letter really helped me out, because I just had the_ best _idea. If everything goes right, this might actually help me continue my research about the otherworld, which I did_ not _think would ever be possible. That's a big, big 'if', but I'm really confident in this one. Maybe that's just some false hope, but I think I deserve some of that, right? I deserve to hope. This could turn out really, really well, and I think it's okay to hope that it will._

_It's a machine. As said above, it'll let me continue my otherworld research. I've got some ideas as to how, but I'm still working out the details, so I won't bore you by writing them down here. It'd take too long to, besides. To summarize: the machine will do the hard work for me; all I'll have to do is pay attention to the readings and, bingo! Real, actual results. (In theory, anyway.)_

_I start working out those aforementioned details and assembling it in a couple of minutes, which is why I'm keeping this brief. I just needed to tell someone, and Cecil's_

_Well, I didn't want to bother him with a phone call right now._

_Someone's knocking. I've got to get going. Thank you for listening, Kevin; I think this is going to be a real, actual breakthrough. I wish you could actually be here to see it happen, but this is the next best thing. Sort of._

_Bye,_

Carlos the Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He did not take a single breath / have a single coherent thought while writing this one.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the shortest chapter of this here fic! :,) Next one will be coming up REAL soon. Thank you so much for reading so far!


	4. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Major spoilers for_ It Devours _in this one in particular, folks. Especially for the end of the book._
> 
> During the aftermath of the biggest mistake of his life, Carlos writes another letter.

_Dear Kevin,_

_This feels like it. The end of it all._

_It's funny, you know? You'd think that, after spending ten years in that place, I'd have something to show for it besides this, but I don't. I don't. Did you know that, ever since I got back to Night Vale, I've been trying to recreate the results of my research? I've spent nearly every waking hour attempting to_ figure out that hellhole, _and I've gotten so close. Time and time and time and time again I have gotten_ so _goddamn close to figuring it all out, and I have nothing to show for it. You'd have no way of knowing any of this, so I don't know why I'm talking to you. Cecil's a phone call away, and for once I feel like he'd understand this so much better than you would. It's been long enough that that's become the case. I don't know you anymore. I know_ Cecil, _and it's been months and months since my last letter, so why am I choosing to write to you now?_

_Saying that I don't have anything to show for my research is, actually kind of laughable. I take that entire last paragraph back; I do have something to show for it. These results are just not at all what I expected, I guess. What I have to show for these last few months is hurt. I have hurt so many people, Kevin. That's what I have to show for all of it._

_And, like,_ usually _I'd be able to make up for it, right? I'd be able to apologize, and these people, because they're so used to being stomped on by the world they live in, would forgive me. They'd forgive me because they don't know any better, and I would let them. I would let them to, probably just to preserve my own mental health. I would do it to take my own mind off of my own_ guilt, _and that would be okay, but I can't do that this time. I can't do that. Even if they_ did _forgive me, I don't think I could let them. I don't deserve forgiveness right now. I don't think I ever have, and I don't think I ever will again._

_I'm a coward for hiding myself inside like this. Scientists shouldn't be cowards, Kevin._

_Except, I've been starting to think that I don't deserve that title. 'Scientist'. It's how I've defined myself for so long, but I don't think I've ever really deserved it. What have I done,_ ever, _to prove myself worthy of that? I've studied, and I've observed, and I've experimented and I've discovered incredible things, but I'm a coward and I'm guilty of equally as many_ terrible _things, and I just, I feel so detached from all of it._

 _Before you say that I'm not a coward, because I'm sure you would if I was here (or else, you'd say something stupid like 'We're all cowards when it really comes down to it, Carlos!'), I can prove it. I can prove it, justify it to you and to everyone. I lied before, earlier in this letter when I told you that I didn't know why I'd chosen to write to you instead of talking to the people that love me. I chose you because you're not here, and you can't judge me. You can't tell me that I'm right or wrong for thinking and doing any of this, and that is comforting. That's safe, that's preferable to standing up straight and letting the people who know me tell me how terrible I really am. If that isn't cowardly, I don't know what is, and the_ best _part is that I don't even deserve even that. I don't deserve the kindness of others allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow and move past this. Why would I, after what I've done?_

 _They've been there for months, some of them. They were there in that place for months. Did you_ know _that? I'm sure you did, and yet you, like all of the rest of us, did nothing. Why would you have done anything? I didn't know, and so I didn't know to ask you about the people I thought were long-since dead and gone. You must've known that they'd come from Night Vale. Did they tell you that they were afraid? During your little_ broadcasts, _did you mention them? Did you bring them up, and did you wonder out loud whether or not they were here voluntarily? Or, did you just sit there and smile and think,_ Oh, how wonderful it is that all of these new people are here to listen to me and to interact with me and to prove that I exist and that I have an impact on the world around me? Pretty damn wonderful! _Because, that's the only way to know. The only real, actual way to know that you are a real person is by impacting other people, right?_

_I guess I know I'm real, then, right? That this is real, that me being in Night Vale is real. So, that's a plus._

_I know that I am real, and that's... something, but I think I'd rather not know than have impacted so many people so horribly. The things that I have to show for my time there aren't positive, and I_ know _that science doesn't always yield positive results, but this is just too much. None of it is positive, none of it is at all worthwhile, and I don't know that I can handle that burden. I've lived my entire life trying to help people, and I look at the mess before me and think,_ Wow, this is really ironic! _Like, who would've thought, right? It'd be funny if it wasn't... the polar opposite of funny._

 _How do I make up for this, Kevin? I know that I can't, not_ completely, _but I need to try. I can't just sit here and wallow in self-pity forever. I guess a_ start _is getting everyone out, right? I've been avoiding that particular reality for hours now. Finally writing it down at least holds me accountable, some, but I think I'm terrified of going back there. I wonder if I'll see you, when I go back. I don't know if I'm more terrified of seeing you or of_ not _seeing you. I don't know what I'll do with myself if I get trapped there again, or what I'll say if I_ see _you again._

 _I've spent so long blaming you for how I feel that I don't know how I'll react at all if I do see you again. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up telling you all of this myself, if I_ do _talk to you._

 _(I won't, I_ know _I won't, but it's sort of interesting to think about.)_

_Either way, whether I see you or not, I think I have to go back. It doesn't matter how scared I am, I_ have _to try and fix this, for me and for them._

_So, I'll see you, or I won't._

Carlos the Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left! :,)!


	5. The End (For Real, This Time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos's last letter. (I promise).

_Dear Kevin,_

_Hi. It's me again. Carlos. (The Scientist)._

_This is going to be a different kind of letter than you're used to._

_Well, okay, that's a little bit dramatic of me to say. It's not like you've actually been reading any of these. As far as I know, nobody has and nobody ever will, and I think it's best that I keep it that way. I think I'd be more embarrassed than anything if anyone besides me ever discovered that these exist. Even you. Especially you. I think I'd much rather these letters stay between me, myself, and I. That's why I'm going to burn them, which I completely understand is_ also _pretty dramatic of me to say. Sorry, but to my credit, it's just like what I said I was going to do way back in my first one, except this time I'm actually doing it! Great, right? It's like what teenagers do in fun teen slice-of-life movies while empowering ballads blast in the background. I think it's a closure thing? So, uh, yay, me!_

_This letter is going to be like the first one I ever wrote you, except I think it's going to be a happier one. It feels like a happier one so far. I think that I'll step away from this after writing it, and instead of feeling dread, I'll feel free. I've felt chained to these for so long now, even though so far I've only written four. I think that, at some point, I'd started thinking of them as my last link to the otherworld, and I started to let that thought weigh me down. I let it pressure me into continuing to dedicate my life_ to _the otherworld, and because of that, I think it started to feel like I'd never actually left, like I was still trapped there._

_I've already gone through this in my head over and over again, and I don't really know why I'm writing it down. Again, it's not like you or anybody else is ever going to read it. Maybe it_ is _like what I said before. Closure. Maybe after I write this down, the thoughts will go away, stop crowding my brain. Worked for me once already, so it's got to work again._

_In case you hadn't already guessed, Kevin, his is a goodbye letter. It's a 'goodbye for_ real' _letter._

 _Seeing you in the otherworld yesterday was... life-changing, and I say_ that _in the least dramatic way possible, I promise. I saw you, and we talked about normal and mundane things, and then we parted ways. Then, we did it again and once more and it suddenly became really, really clear to me that you haven't moved on either. Despite how much time has passed for you compared to me, you haven't moved on from that decade, and as we kept talking I started to find myself_ pitying _you, but I also found myself growing afraid that I'd end up that way, too. I was and am scared that I'll end up living, not surviving, and waiting until I can find an excuse to sit down and write another letter to you. I've become dependent on you and these letters, convinced that I can't tell anybody else about the things that I feel in relation to that place. I don't want to continue having an existence like that, Kevin, and once I came to that conclusion it became surprisingly easy_ to _just... move on. I'm going to have bad days, and I know this, but I also know that what I've been doing is not a healthy thing._ You _are not a healthy thing for me, and I have finally, officially accepted that. I need to start relying on the people who are_ here _and who care about me right now, and I think I'm finally ready to. If that's going to happen, the letters need to stop. And so, after this, I'm stopping._

 _I still think you deserve to be happy, Kevin. I do. I just don't think you'll ever be able to be actually happy until you move on from certain things. I certainly wasn't able to. I don't think I'm quite at happiness yet, but I think I'm definitely going to be able to get there now. I don't know if that--what you need to move on from, that is--_ only _includes our decade, or if there are other things you need to let go of, but I do know that that's your business and not mine, and that I wish you the best in figuring that all out._

 _I hope that, one day, you_ can _move on from the things that you need to, and I hope that you have people in your life who love you._

_(Most of all, I hope you still remember to take care of that eye of yours.)_

_Goodbye, (for real this time),_

Carlos the Scientist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ screams loudly ]  
> To those of you who stuck around for the entire thing, thank you. I really, really hope you enjoyed it! :)
> 
> PLEASE go and take a gander at @mackdizzy 's triptych if you've got the time! It adds a bit of extra spice to this whole letters thing, _and_ it adds a little bit of context to some of the things Carlos mentioned in this fic! Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [triptych](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102960) by [mackdizzy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mackdizzy/pseuds/mackdizzy), [prioriteas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prioriteas/pseuds/prioriteas)




End file.
